Is the Black Church Keeping Women Single? (Copyright 2011)

This man's answer to this question is "No."  There are a wide variety of reasons to this 'phenomena' but the Church is not making a conscious effort to keep people single. Here are a few thoughts to consider: 

(1) by the time some women decide to get focused on "getting it together" via Biblical Power Point Principles: they already have a number of children and are not married. This presents a situation of financial responsibility that many men are not prepared to get involved with because of custody issues and the fathers of children creating "hassles" within these types of relationships. This is not the fault of men rather a consequence of the choices and decisions of the women having been in relationships that created the children without getting married first. A divorced woman demonstrates a diferent social parameter than an unmarried mother. This is just the reality of our social construct.

It is unreasonable to expect the average man who is focused on a future to not weigh into the calculations of the validity of a relationship - the effects of the presence of these children will have. Another byproduct of "premarital" children is the money to raise the children of another man or men and the impact of children not accepting a "new" man into their Mother's life and their life.

(2)The presence of Black men "on the Down low". Need I say more? This is an issue that really does need to be addressed from the Pulpit, in Bible Study and within the Church in general; not from a position of animosity or hatred. This must be addressed from "what does Scripture say about this behavior". For too long, the Church has been a place of accepting any type of behavior as okay with God so long as it is accepted by the ambient social order. The Church is a place of change---our changing into God's reality of His children; not our telling God to accept us as we choose to be.

If a man desires to walk with God...he must make the relevant changes and it is entirely irresponsible for somebody that is still interested in same sex arrangements to get involved with a woman (or a man if we are referencing a Lesbian/Bisexal individual). Remember, I am speaking here as a Man of God and Scripture clearly takes a dim view of same sex arrangments. Whatever a person chooses is between them and God, however to get into relationship with somebody and not be honest about your sexual behavior is simply uncouth and boorish. And the Church is about God not what is currently socially acceptable. You cannot ask God to put a stamp of approval upon behavior that is deemed as sinful by Scripture.

 

(3)The attitude of Black women to want to be the leader in a family...although the Bible clearly teaches that "as Christ is head of the Church man is head of the House". Our Women have a propensity to fear "submission " to a man as leader of the home. They pledge loyalty to Jesus but not loyalty to a Husband. People in general ( male and female) come to Church but keep their old attitudes and personalities----the Bible teaches that to get your life you must lose it....Blind Bartemeaus threw off the old man to receive the new man. Being the Proverbs 31 woman is more than going to Church, screaming Jesus and quoting Scripture. It is a lifestyle from inside out, a dsciplined woman from her mouth to her behavior. I was recently at a funeral for a mean,, aggrivating absolutely disgusting person of a female and speaker after speaker described her as a Proverbs 31 woman. We must get real with ourselves so that we can be real with God and with our Mates. Any man worth his salt is not getting involved with games, drama and confusion. Tighten up so God can set you up and establish you. Most come to churches as new Members having endured life crushing events and the last thing they are seeking is more drama.

(4) The failure of Churches and /or Civic organisations to teach Family leadership skills to Black men AND the failure of Black men to take advantage of what training there is. If the selection of the variety of what men do come to a particular Church is "sub standard" there is no fault of a woman to decide to remain single...she can do bad all by herself. Why take on a man who is not focused?

(5) I believe that there are women willing to submit as the Bible teaches however the man must present a lifestyle, leadership qualities and determination of direction that she can submit to. In other words; men must be willing to make the required spiritual, personal and educational alterations to "step their game up" to a higher level of proficiency to demonstrate leadership in their own life. This then can give a serious female something to "work with" even if  the man is not of the same education or social background/breeding/education.

Men must bring more than good looks and sex to the table. Men must remember that a career woman, for example has her professional life that must be upheld and enhanced by the entry of her chosen mate. She must at least ---"marry even" if she is not "marrying up".

A woman must bring more to the table than sex and cooking.  After all, if you are bringing in children...to a focussed career oriented man---that is already somewhat of a problem that you are asking him to accept and assist you with.

 

(6) On the matter of teaching men to be Men of God & women to be Women of God---generally Black Churches are not interested in this type of training because Churches are more time than not "Clubs" not Training Centers for self improvement for men and women to learn how to be submissive to each other as they both are submissive to God. This is not always the fault of the Church because it is very coomon that members really desire to be left alone. "I got this" is the mindset and if serious sermons and classes are instituted many people flee to another location where their sensibilities can remain dormant and undisturbed. At other times, Churches seem to be more interested in "Feel Good" Sermons and getting people excited but not teaching about the discipline of God's Word and His Covenants....and vice verse: people want "Feel Good" sermons because when Pastors get to hard core teaching of principles...many people leave to go elsewhere as I have already mentioned.

 

(7) Issues of economics: many women are in debt and see a man as a source of income to further their lifestyles. Consequently..because many men come into the Church in some state of recovery (as the women are; by the way)...the women don't desire to select these men even though there is "quality of character" but not immediate financial benefit. This leads them (women) to desire men who are financially sound NOW but these men don't desire 2-3-or more children immediate upon marriage. The mindset of Women must change to recognize that quality men may not have finances now but in time they will....In other words choose quality over immediate possessions and achievements. When they see these men later in life and the man has achieved...THEN they desire to be with him but he is now (perhaps) with somebody else...

Many men have a dream or vision of a future reality they aspire to acheive and if the woman is about stuff now and not saving and investing for tomorrow then her economics are not compatible with a good man of vision, stability and fortune. There are many men that have battled out of poverty into wealth and that does not happen overnight and definitely won't happen if he is with a "high maintenance" female.

(8) Women with degrees and careers must overcome the psychology of "Marrying Down". Look at university enrollments...mostly women. Black men get caught up in whatever and many recover and go on to achieve great things..."marrying down" now to a man of character who is now focused and determined can lead to a man that achieves education and careers that makes them worthy. For example: today's Plumber is tomorrow's successful Plumbing Contractor. White Collar Women seem to have a problem with marrying Blue Collar Career Men.

(9) Most women see history and not potential. Men get caught up in problems and then get it together (1 in 6 has been to Jail/Prison...Drugs etc)...but many women focus on a man's past and "what are the people going to say about it" rather than how this man is strong enough to get it together and get back in the game and make a serious run at success and character and responsibility.

 

(10) Women choose to get involved with some man rather than ask God what is His choice for her....then accept His choice and work it for success.

 

(11) Stop sleeping with a man before you are married, if you won't wait why should he? I hear of so many disappointed women and a recurring theme is how long she cohabitated and never got married  and now there are children. Stop the babies and the pemarital sex. Okay, at least stop the babies. There is too much science out there for any woman to get pregnant. Birth control has been around for almost 50 years. Don't blame the man...you agreed to open your legs and do it...again and again and agin in many situations. You are responsible for your choices and the consequences. Nobody "Pops up pregnant". You agree to have sex and no birth control and with AIDS killing Black women faster than accidents, cancer, diabetes or heart attacks---why would you let any man be with you without condoms anyway?

(12) No sex, no babies and you are establishing very clearly that you are what you say you are: a Woman of God. If a man won't wait then clearly he was not the man for you. It is your Kingdom duty to remain in Covenant with God for Him to continue to establish you and keep you. Compromise about education and other factors in a relationship but never Kingdom principles. Any true man of God will wait to be married to you because that man is walking with God and is in Covenant with God. He is to be the spiritual head after marriage and if he cannot wait he is not being the spiritual head prior to marriage. However, women don't wait and so their are consequences...

(13) Stop waiting for some Bloke dripping with the Holy Spirit like honey. Ask God about everything including "Is this the man you have selected for me". He may not be dripping today....but next week......next year? Ask God about everything and He will answer. Then be obedient.

(14) Drop the baggage...especially forgive yourself. Women (and to some degree men) bring a lot of emotional baggage into new relationships. More about this in another entry. Stop hating men...because the man to be your husband is a man and you will automatically hate him. Change your associations If all you hang with are haters and you will hate.

(15) Learn from succesful marriages--even if the Wife is a Stripper. Hey, God spoke to Balaam using a Mule---so stop being spiritually proud. If a woman has a successful marriage she can teach you some stuff and maybe by your huminilty you can teach her some stuff about God..in exchange. Give it some thought. Oh, and I am in no way calling anybody an animal. So please, don't take my illustration out of context....:-). Nobody was more into the world than I was..and God is still working upon me. So, I am in no way casting judgement upon anybody. Let me dispell that notion

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We blame everybody and everything for our choices and the consequences...don't blame anybody unless you are part of the solution. Take rsponsibility for the consequences of the chuces and decisions that you have made. Forgive yourself and others that have hurt you. Move on.

Are there problems in the Churches---of course, however the Church is not holding anybody down....we make choices.

It is our choices that hold us down or raise us up. The reasons go on and on... It is not the Church...it is essentially the mindset of the people. As individuals we must get into Covenant with God and then walk the path that He has for us. 

We choose our own paths, make choices and decisions ---THEN we call on God to make it work or straighten it out. He says "If you will hearken to His voice and walk according to His ways" Deut 28 and "Those that are led by the Spirit are the children of God" Romans 8. We have the arrangement backwards and confused. That is not the fault of the Church but rather a consequence of the culmination of the sequence of choices we make according to our own mindset and it is written "Lean not on your own understanding. But in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path" Book of Proverbs. Whoever blames the Church they need to get real, wake up and smell the coffee!

Be blessed; 

Rev. Richard Johnson, B.Sc.

(Copyright 2011)

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